i'm back for the 3rd and hopefully final entry of today. (it's about time! hehe) i've just been reading a weekly column written by this friend of mine ;) and a certain line set me thinking about my own perspective as to who i really am and all that psychological stuff. Typical identity issues i reckon. Well anyways, for those people who know me, they will know that i come from a family in which everyone speaks mandarin with a certain relish. In fact here is the breakdown ->

* Dad learns his nifty bit of english from an amazing quantity of american blockbuster reruns.
* Brother hmmm has a long way to go in terms of excelling in english.
* Mom currently in Module One of the infamous "BEST" english program. (about to proceed to module 2 btw hehe so cut her some slack)

I do think that my mandarin has been faltering throughout these few years, during which i have successfully avoided reading any chinese book thicker than 2 cm. the last mandarin program that i watched was meteor garden (in which 4 guys pranced about the screen, irritating the other guys watching the show hehe), and that was way back in October last year. and when chinese exams roll along, i merely memorize all the words, only the have them hidden in some dark corner of my medulla oblongata (biology word, inserted with a very high possibility of error). it is not as though i detest the language or the culture for that is certainly not the case, but due to the above-mentioned reasons, i am slowly but surely losing my grasp on the language. many a time i would have something to tell my parents, only to end up in a huff because of my limited vocabulary. and that doesn't help things because my parents have spent their entire lives studying everything they know in mandarin... english included. (which doesn't help things EITHER! hehe but that is besides the point)

on the other hand, my english isn't all that wonderful, and that really puts me in a limbo. i am, as you would say, in the middle of the devil and the deep blue sea, or hard rock wall or whatever, unaccepted by both the asian and western worlds. (so i think) while i am thankful for my billingual education background, i cannot help but ponder if in striving to achieve the mastery of both languages, i have successfully fallen short of both, and ended up in the gutter with people of similar fate. (a hybrid mutant maybe?)

i should really be talking about identity, but i have a feeling that if i were to drone on... this page would have no end =) besides i think this whole language thing is a pretty heavy topic already.. so dash that idea!

before you start to think that i am in a nasty i-hate-everyone mood again, i am not! heheh i was being serious -> overly i should think. but then again, it was a pretty touchy subject. any comments anyone? feel free to email me at whisphorse@hotmail.com.
gosh there are so many things to say and yet so little strength (both mental and physical) to say it all. everything is just in a perpetual swirl in my head.

i think that the main reason of me not keeping a journal before was due to a particular Queen of Gluttony in me. She *points accusingly* is a slobbering mess of Jello who keeps ON procrastinating day after day after day. (you get the picture) Getting out of the throne (don't think in the bathroom kinda way please! hehe) is an effort for her and so is picking up a pen and scribbling on pieces of paper. it just looks too daunting =) Just when things were looking very bleak, along came T-E-C-H-N-O-L-O-G-Y (by golly that was hard to type!!!) and voila! no writing, just typing, no formatting, just posting heheh hey the Queen of Gluttony was in Jello Heaven!! LURVELY, STUPENDOUS! AHH i love this blogger! *muacks* and thanks to that, people can finally gain access to my mind. is that a good thing tho? oh i dunno hehe =) (no, i did not watch 'being john malkovich', was it a good movie by the way?)

i've got comments and ACCUSATIONS *ahh* ;) from a couple of lovely people that i write very differently from the way i talk (and the way i walk.. oops wrong scene) and hmmm hehe i dunno, how am i supposed to write otherwise? i don't think i am capable of any other forms of expressing myself, unless the usage of those cute cute cute msn emoticons are involved. (gosh i really love those) And with that note i will end this entry, SMILE PLEASE! LAUGH, don't fall off the chair, i know you are glad that this is over.

**POST MORTEM (just kidding) : this blog is starting to look less and less like a journal, more like a public address sermon. i better watch my words... otherwise mr. qc mite just hand me another ticket (insert msn surprised emoticon here) hehe **