a wise girl

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love; listens but doesn't believe; and leaves before she is left.

becoming someone else

argh my head is spinning now.

i do not like the person ive become recently. so superstitious so desperate. so... pathetic.

from today onwards this phase will pass. as i shed all that stupid emo baggage of mine.
it has to, i cannot carry on like this.


"...gradually her optimism is fading, her once light footsteps have become lead laden. she has walked so far since the beginning. now, with feet calloused and raw, she doesnt want to carry on. the tears that accompanied the making of her scars have long dried. there were simply no more tears to cry. she no longer yearns for that pot of gold beneath the metaphorical rainbow. she will look no longer, search no further. for she is exhausted, and will rest."

yesterday

there are vivid images in my head of wondrous things, things i fear to bastardize
into hard words and clumsy writing. things i fear that, when i put them down, will
turn into a figment of my imagination.

but then again, some things are better wrapped in a packet and kept under sheets. preserved in the pristine manner of its originality. because sometimes, memories are far better than reality.

a shell of my former self

i realize that conversing in chinese reduces me to a 2D monochrome sketch. thanks to my dismal expanse of chinese vocabulary, my personality has been reduced to explosive, whiny, and retarded. not exactly very flattering, if i may say so myself.

i am unable to adequately describe any experience to the detail they deserve. everything is either good or bad, food is either super nice or super icky. i cannot give it texture, and am unable to discuss its aroma beyond stinky or "smells good!"

most unfortunately, i am reduced to a babbling, stuttering mess whenever i am excited or nervous or angry, in which states of being i am most of the time. it is no wonder everyone thinks of me as that girl with the "big streak of nerve".

but this isnt me.

my personality has been lost in translation. it is fuzzy, raw at the edges, rubbed off at the corners. i am no longer a whole being, but a skeleton, devoid of flesh, deprived of skin and departed of hair.

is it no wonder that on quiet nights like these, loneliness stabs me deep where it hurts?

of gluttony and repentence

once in awhile (or, okay, more often than not..) we fall through the cracks of our self-restraint and commit the sin of gluttony. mine unfortunately, lasted for the most of the past week, beginning wednesday, when i had my first taste of rose pie.

those babies came in a myriad of different flavors all packed full of wholesome goodies and was so yums! my roommate (god bless her!) had her long-suffering boyfriend
bring it up all the way from taichung (god bless him, too!) and i decided to get the red bean mochi and chocolate flavored pies. the pies were not too cloyingly sweet and
the piecrust was light and crunchy - the red beans were -gasp- almost bland, except for a hint of sugar, which went exceedingly well with the sticky mochi center. i was particularly blown away by the fluffy sponge-like top of the pies and when opportunity came up on saturday to get my hands on one of those pies, i jumped immediately to the chance! ;) this time, i had taro and strawberry, and i must say, the strawberry pie was an absolute delight! i loved the texture and the fluffiness of it. im definitely a fan of rose pies now! whee!



and then comes today when, burdened by the stress of tomorrow's upcoming test, i engulfed an entire jumbo bar of cadbury chocolate with chocolate whip filling (to hell with melamine, i say) in one sitting. yup. i realize that i get into this hypnotic eating mode when im stressed. i just sit at the desk with notes in front of me, and then eat the chocolate cubes methodically, one after one after one, until nothing remains but the silvery wrapper. there is just something so comforting about having food in your mouth. hahah. can anyone say oral fixation, hmm?

well so i decided to work it all off with two hours of consecutive swimming, during which i attempted, amongst other things, to complete a 50 meter lap using butterfly stroke, but upon reaching the half-way mark, it became painfully obvious that i had to choose between drowning in exhaustion or stopping. and so stop i did, and boy did my muscles rejoice! still, it was a good improvement this week (i could do say, two in a row in the previous week) and im pretty satisfied.

then i decided to work on my kick-work, which needed alot of work because i was hardly moving despite kicking my legs around like a madman on steroids. a quick lap with flippers though, convinced me that my feet size was entirely too small to generate enough motorpower for me to move foward. of course, that is an excuse, but hey im pretty damn sure thorpe's incredible feet size did count for PART of that speed! or else ducks wouldnt have webbed feet!

10 laps later i was so wrinkled i could pass off for a sharpei dog, and off i went :P so much for today's guilt-induced workout ;) i would have played tennis, but only it was raining. taipei's weather is in no way conducive for intensive tennis training, i tell you!

alrighty, time to hit the books! tata

Come Death Be Kind

by Lorraine Cobcroft

Death come quickly when you come to me
Ask me not to linger, labouring at your door
For I have seen and know too well
The sufferings of those whom you keep waiting on your threshhold.
Open wide your abyss and take me swiftly in
Send no warning when you make your strike
But take me while life's flavour is still full and sweet.
And as you open to swallow me into your darkness
Send out faith and courage to my loved ones as they mourn,
Bright sun to light their days,
A rainbow to give them hope,
A new birth to quickly end their grieving.
But, Death, come not to soon to me,
For I have much to do before I meet you.
Wait.... Wait... Be patient, Death, till I have lived.
I have a dream of life
And I need time to live my dream before I come to you.
This then, Death, above all else,
Let me live, until in death I can truly say,
I did not dream my dream of life in vain

updates

each time in the recent months that i have updated, it seemed to be a summary of the things that i was planning to do, am doing, or have done. there doesnt seem to be any more TIME left for pondering about things or commenting on various subjects like i used to do before. not that there is much material for me to wonder about anyway, what with all the rapid fire classes which are starting to seem more like a test in short-hand now than a lesson where things are actually ABSORBED and PROCESSED.

the lecturers fly through 100 plus pages per lesson - how we are expected to keep up i have no idea. and keep up i dont. i am currently so far behind in my revision that i might consider having to skip class to catch up, except that you'd be left in the dust again after the day is through.

not that classes arent more interesting though. they're more application-based now, as compared to the endless formulas and hypothesis that i could never get back when life was all about biochemistry, physics and calculus. so i suppose im at a better spot in life than before :)

but i digress. this post is supposed to be on updates, so update i shall!

i have recently started to take up dance lessons again, and this time with the conclusive aim of trying to get a dance solo arranged for graduation dinner. well, that's the excuse anyway, to validate all that extra time practising and the incredible amount of money that would be invested in such an activity. (byebye shopping, hello school cafeteria!) and, in case you are wondering, the dance is the paso doble! its the most charming of latin dances in my opinion, in the sense that there is just so much tension between the dancers, both trying to stare each other down. i love everything about it - the music, the movement, the seemingly masculine postures. its just got that je nais se quoi and i want to excel in it!